I warned you when I started my Coffee Talks that they would be a little too honest – the good, the bad and the ugly of life and parenting, in particular. Although, it seems like I tend to discuss the bad and the ugly more than the good; most likely because I am looking for support and solidarity from my community – and you always deliver!
So here’s today’s ugly: I’m a yeller.
I would love to say I’m not. I would love to say that I rarely raise my voice at my children. I would love to say that in order to teach them proper communication I use a quiet voice and remain calm and logical.
Of course I DO want to to be this mom. The mom who has the patience and wherewithal to remain calm and not let my anger and temper get the best of me.
I’ll be honest, when I started writing this post, I was just going to complain about how awful I am for yelling and talk about how much I want to change and leave it at that. Maybe some of you would say, “Oh I do that too,” and we would all walk away feeling a little bit better that we are not alone.
Then I decided to do some research on the topic (a writer doing research? what a concept!)… and after doing so, I have decided it’s time for a serious change. It’s time to make a radical decision to put a stop to this. Why? Because in my worst moments, I have yelled at my kids and known that my neighbors MUST have heard (and how embarrassing is that?). In my worst moments I have screamed “aaaaahhhh!” so loud out of frustration that I have made my three year old cry from fear. It’s not pretty, friends, but it is truth.
I know that yelling is bad, but it really hits home when you read things like this:
“The truth is that yelling scares kids. It makes them harden their hearts to us… What’s more, when we yell, it trains kids not to listen to us until we raise our voice.” (source: psychologytoday.com)
“Your #1 job as a parent is to manage your own emotions, so you’re modeling emotional regulation and can help your child learn to manage his emotions.” (source: psychologytoday.com)
My worst fear is having my children fear me, or worse yet, having them harden their hearts to me. Doesn’t that hit you right where it hurts? I want nothing but my children’s love and adoration, but how can I expect that when I yell and seem angry at them all the time? What’s worse, is that by losing my temper, I am failing at teaching them to manage their own emotions.
While researching, I came across this article from The Orange Rhino (via the Huffington Post), a mom who gave up yelling at her kids for 365 days and started a blog to document the journey. She shared the top 10 things she learned from this journey, and it truly motivated me.
She helped me realize (or remember?) that when I yell, it’s usually because I’ve got my own issues going on that are fueling my frustration. I’m tired, I’m stressed, I’m fighting with my spouse, or (and this happens often) I’m not paying enough attention to my child who is desperately searching for it. Perhaps if I put down the broom and colored just one picture with my daughter, I could return to the task I deem so important and finish it without getting frustrated from constant interruption.
I love her thoughts on the “at least” perspective… “These two small words give me great perspective and remind me to chill out. I use them readily in any annoying but not yell worthy kid situation. ‘He just dropped an entire jug of milk on the floor…at least it wasn’t glass and at least he was trying to help!’ ”
It’s time to beat this. I don’t want to be the mom who yells. Right here, right now, I commit to taking my own 365 day challenge. I’m serious (and terrified).
I’m going to mess up, but what that means that it never has before is that I am accountable for my actions and need to apologize to my children for my mistake. That starts with me telling my daughter about my plan and asking her to hold me accountable to speaking in a respectful voice, and let her know that I am learning and will make mistakes. What a great lesson for us both in forgiveness, humility and grace!
At the end of the Huff post article, The Orange Rhino gives some resources on how you can work your way through this challenge. I will be clinging to them and others that I have found, particularly:
- It all begins with committing to make the change and setting a serious goal (one month, one year, etc.). Don’t be vague in your goal, or it will never happen. And to go one step further, tell your friends and family (for me, that would be you!) about your goal and ask them to help keep you accountable.
- Whisper. If your child has to strain to hear you, he/she is less likely to tune you out and it’s nearly impossible to sound angry when you’re speaking softly.
- Take breaks. If I know I am about to lose it, I need to leave the room (assuming the children are in a safe environment, of course). Count to 10, tense and relax my muscles, take a deep breath.
- When I get angry, I need to learn to STOP. Shut my mouth. Don’t do a thing until I breath deeply and calm down. This takes it from a reaction to a choice.
- Use some of The Orange Rhino’s alternatives to yelling. Some of these crack me up like “try to do a somersault,” “talk in a robot voice,” and “crab walk.” They may seem ridiculous, but I bet they really work!
So, there it is, friends. And here I go… 365 days.
Anybody want to join me? SOLIDARITY!!
Here’s some info on how you can take the challenge: http://theorangerhino.com/join-me/
